Category: "1988-1995 K-6"

Pages: 1 3 4 5

Anecdotes #3 - May 2, 2016

Death Takes a Vacation

When I was really young I saw this sketch on the show In Living Color called Death Takes a Vacation. It featured Jim Carrey. I didn’t know who Jim Carrey was at the time, but the horrible images of death in that sketch haunted me for life. Only recently did I find the sketch and see that it was Jim Carrey. I never really liked Jim Carrey and I have a funny feeling that seeing that was the reason why.

Party of Five

I suppose like any kid I was fascinated by sex, and my best source of information for sex was TV. This show came out called Party of Five, and I had to watch it behind my mom’s back, I only saw one episode, and I think it was the 2nd one, and it it this kid had to go to the store with his sister to buy maxi pads and the whole time he was impatient because this shopping excursion was keeping him away from this girl he wanted to see. Well once they finished shopping he saw the girl, and I remember they got in a bed together and I was excited by the prospect of getting into a bed with a girl.

PB&C

One of the strange sandwiches I enjoy is Peanut Butter and Cheese. It first came about one time when my dad had me for the weekend. I had to make a lunch quick and I was making peanut butter but couldn’t find any jam, but I did find some cheese, and I liked cheese, so I put that on the sandwich. By lunch time the cheese had sort of melted and so it was this gooey mix of cheese with the peanut butter. It was really good, and I’ve had it many times since then.

My First Kiss

While technically my first kiss was much later, from a certain point of view my first kiss was in Kindergarten. The girl’s name was Ashley and I decided I liked her and that I was going to kiss her. I volunteered to hold open the doors after recess, and before she came through the door I kissed my fingertips and then pressed them against her lips. I suppose as far as she knew I was smacking her in the face for no apparent reason, but from my point of view I had kissed her.


Categories: 1988-1995 K-6

Anecdotes #1 - April 10, 2016

A collection of anecdotes before I retire:

My Sixes

One time I threatened to tattle-tale on my friend Clint for doing something bad in class. To prove my threat was serious I walked up to the teacher, but I knew it was bad to tattle-tale so when she asked me what I wanted I said, Can I pass off my sixes? (As in the multiplication table of sixes.)

Scary Principal

In Cub Scouts you earn activity badges. One of the badges was for academics, and to complete it you had to have an interview with the principal of your school. I was dead afraid of that, because all I knew of principals was what I heard on TV and that they were the enemy. Ultimately my mom had to escort me there, and as it turned out, he was really nice. He even had a collection of McDonald’s toys, and I myself had a similar collection!

Soap Suds

Growing up with a single mom meant that I had to get babysat. So babysitters had to come up with activities for the kids they took care of. One of our baby sisters had the activity of soap suds! Many kids got excited for soap suds but I realized that soap suds always came after playing with play dough on the table, and all we were really doing was cleaning the table with soap and that was a chore and I did not like chores.

Cat Food is Good

When I was a kid it was popular to eat cat food and dog food. I liked cat food the best. My brother liked dog food the best. To this day I like cats better than dogs. Go figure.

Squirts

One time at cub scout camp the popular thing to buy from the trading post was a water pistol. So I wanted to get one too. Everyone buying them was calling them squirts instead of water pistols. I’d never heard a water pistol called a squirt before, but I guessed that’s what they were called, so I said to the guy behind the counter I want a squirt, and he sold me a water pistol for a dollar.


Categories: 1988-1995 K-6

Baseball Cards, They're Worthless - March 19, 2016

I have a few collection. My most sentimental is my Might and Magic collection, but I also have a substantial Elder Scrolls collection, and a few other minor collections. But one I don’t really speak of is my card collection. The first cards I collected made the most sense to me: Ninja Turtles cards. I don’t have any of them left save one Leonardo card that my mom preserved for me. The rest were destroyed because I played with them and traded them so much.

Baseball held little interest for me until my friend Aaron moved in. He was obsessed with the Texas Rangers and collecting baseball cards. I thought Aaron was the coolest kid ever, so if he liked baseball then I liked it too. I began a collection of baseball cards to emulate him. Really there were only two things I cared about collecting. A Nolan Ryan card, because that was Aaron’s favorite player, and a Hank Aaron card because that guy had the same name as Aaron.

Ricky Adams 1984, my oldest card.
To start off my collection I got a baseball card collecting starter kit from a Scholastic book order. It included a Beckett (a guide to how much various baseball cards are worth), a guide to collecting, and about 10 baseball cards, including one that would be over 20 years old. Naturally at 10 years old, that sounded very impressive to me. So I got my mom to pay for it for me, and eagerly awaited it. It came, and I opened up my baseball cards, hoping for someone famous. After looking through it I found the oldest one. My friend Clint pointed out that the card wasn’t over 20 years old it was like 7 years old. The card was Ricky Adams of the Los Angeles Angels. I looked through the included Beckett to see if my card was worth anything, it wasn’t even listed. Nothing I got was listed. None of them had enough value to be listed in an abridged Beckett, it only listed rare cards, such as Babe Ruth, valued in the twenties of thousands, or so. I fantasized about owning something like that, I guess that was the intent of a Beckett for kids.

After that my collection rapidly expanded. Topps were my favorite. I don’t know why. For some reason I had the impression that they were the more glamorous brand of cards, 1987 was my favorite Topps year (it had the coolest border art). Donruss was my least favorite. Partially because I had been given a pack of Donruss baseball cards, and didn’t get one player I had ever heard of. I also enjoyed the brands of Fleer and Score. Every time I got a new pack of cards I always looked for Nolan Ryan first, and was always disappointed. My brother was lucky enough to get a Nolan Ryan. I was jealous. He tried to make it up to me by taking a picture of it, so that I could have a Nolan Ryan as well.

So there I was trying to get as many baseball cards as possible. Always trying to get a Nolan Ryan. My brother got a Beckett with pretty much every card listed. Most were worth five cents. One time I got a card that was worth a buck, a Don Mattingly error card. (Error cards were when an incorrect stat was published on the card, which were somehow worth more because they were incorrect, go figure.) So there I was with my one card that actually had some value. Don Mattingly. I’d heard of him, so I was happy with the card. Eventually my mom bought me a Nolan Ryan, it came in a little frame, and it was a Topps card.

A year or so into my collecting, my dad took me to a ball game. We didn’t have a major leagues team, but we did have a Triple-A team. It was the most boring experience of my life. And I was like, This is what I was collecting? What is this sport? Nothing happens. I stopped collecting cards after that.

In conclusion, every last one of my cards is now over 20 years old 1993 was the last year I got any... and they are all worthless. My Ricky Adams card is over thirty years old, and they aren’t worth the paper they are printed on. I even have a Sammy Sosa card from his rookie years, you may remember him, the MLB was making a big deal when he was competing with Mark MacGuire for the home runs record. It’s worthless. Oh and I looked, you can get a non-rookie year Hank Aaron card for under $10.00, I don’t even care enough to get one at this point. My dad once told me that investing in the stock market was probably a better investment than baseball cards. I was a kid, so I cared nothing of stocks and bonds, but he was right. In retrospect I should have gotten more Ninja Turtles cards. At least I’m nostalgic for those, but as for baseball... No way.


Categories: 1988-1995 K-6

There Was a Worm in Her Sucker! - February 12, 2016

A popular lollipop from my childhood.
I’m not a big fan of suckers or lollipops these days. There is something gross to me about the idea of putting something into my mouth, removing it from my mouth, and putting it back in, but when I was a kid I thought they were okay. The most popular sucker that was given out at my elementary school were these caramel apple things. I must have had a thousand of them. Kids were eating them all the time until one day I saw a girl eating a a different sucker. It was one with a worm in it.

Almost every sucker I had at school was one I got from school. So I assumed she also got this one from school too, and I was aghast that the school would give out such a thing. I mentioned it to her, I said, Hey there’s a thing in your sucker! And she said, I noticed that. I can just eat around it. I was blown away by the fact that she had no problem with this worm in her sucker. I didn’t see if she actually finished the sucker or not, but for years it has bothered me. I was convinced that this girl had no sense of sanitation (or sanity for that matter). I imagined all the worst things about her: She probably had lice and dandruff.

Related to that story I had an epiphany: One time someone was explaining to me why you shouldn’t watch a good movie with just a few bad scenes in it. They said to me, You could skip the bad parts, but imagine a bowl of ice-cream, delicious in all aspects, save one, there is a little chunk of poo in it. Would you eat the ice-cream? After all you could just skip the poo and eat around it. I hated that metaphor the moment I heard it, but I didn’t realize exactly why I hated it until now. Originally I merely thought that a bowl of ice-cream isn’t really comparable to a movie, but now after reflecting back on the lollipop I know that, indeed, you can just eat around something gross. That girl proved it to me.

Oh, by the way, I looked it up. Apparently suckers with worms in them are a thing, and that girl was playing a cruel joke on her classmates by eating it in front of us.



Categories: 1988-1995 K-6

Have You Ever Looked in the Mirror and Cried? - March 3, 2015

Sometimes in life you have questions that need answers. Sometimes the world promises to give you those answers. Sometimes those promises are lies. One time when I was a little boy, home from school on summer vacation, I found myself watching daytime television, and an advertisement promised to answer one of my most profound questions. All I had to do was tune into the next show. The host asked, Have you ever woken up, looked in the mirror, and cried?

Yes! Yes, I had! I’d done that lot’s of times. You see, I had eye boogers when I was kid. And not just the standard eye boogers in the corner of your eyes that you can pick out with no problem. I had full eyelid sealing boogers. I’d wake up with my eyelids practically sewn shut with boogers. My mom had given me some eye drops to help me get them open in the morning, but it also took a few tears to get my eyes fully open. This advertisement described my morning routine to a T. I’d wake up not able to open my eyes, so I’d stumble into the bathroom and, while looking in the mirror, I’d use eye drops and tears to get them open. As far as I could tell, the next show was promising to tell me how to solve the eye boogers problem. I’d never been more excited to watch a daytime television program in my life!

I was quickly disappointed. It was a show targeted at women and I was bored through most of it. Then they said it, the sound bite from the commercial was in the actual show... have you ever woken up, looked in the mirror, and cried? Yes. Have you looked at your hair and it was such a disaster... Um, I guess my hair was a disaster. ... that you couldn’t stand to look at yourself. No! That wasn’t my issue. I mean my hair was bad in the morning, but that’s not what was making me cry. What about the eye boogers? The show promised to help me solve the eye boogers issue...

Eventually the eye booger problem went away. Maybe because of the eye drops my mom gave me. I dunno. I did learn two important lessons. Firstly, that not all questions have answers, and not all problems have solutions. Secondly, I learned that women have issues when they look at themselves in the mirror. I later heard someone say that when women look at themselves in the mirror they notice what they don’t like about themselves, and when men look in the mirror they notice what they like about themselves. I don’t really know if that’s true or not, but I do know that when I look in the mirror, I’m glad I don’t have a terrible case of eye boogers anymore.


Categories: 1988-1995 K-6

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